Everything I Know About Kids...

I'm odd man out with most of my friends; I had my kids in my early twenties.

My oldest is now in University, my youngest (twins) are twelve.

Many of my good friends are just now experiencing the (ahem) joy of childbirth.

(Okay, I have to admit here, if I were rich, I'd probably have twelve, well, eight, okay, maybe six) ... minus pain if possible.

My point is, many of my friends just entering parent hood now ask me if I have any advice.

Well here it is. In a nutshell: Everything I've Learned About Kids.

DISCLAIMER: My house is never clean, my bills are often late, my (now ex)husband always did the pizza money and note signing, all of my kids have turned out kind of artsy-fartsy (in short, you may not want this advice).

Everything I've Learned About Kids

Kids are small people; I do not advise baby talk. At some point they will invariably tell you to stop it. It is also likely that this will come full circle, and your kids will "baby talk" to you in your senior years. (Note: Seniors are small people; I do not advise baby talk. At some point they will invariably tell you to stop it.)

Heads bleed. A lot. When your child cuts their head (and they will) DO NOT panic.

On pretty much every thing else: Go with your gut.

Twenty-something years of raising four kids ... so far, that's all I've got.

On a more helpful note - I can warn you about a few things:

Every annoying catch phrase your parents used on you will come out of your mouth; don't be shocked, some of it will even be useful.

Examples:

Brush your teeth, go to bed, don't put that in your mouth, look both ways, don't lick that, don't touch that, don't eat that, take that out of your mouth.

(NOTE: "Because I said so" has a fairly short shelf life.)

For many, parenting is a competitive sport, therefore:

Your friends and in-laws will lie.

Little Johnnie didn't toilet train at eight months; Mary didn't walk at seven months; Billy wasn't talking at six months. (And if they did, you need to hold onto the thought that there's something ELSE wrong with that kid, and your child is a latent genius in some other respect).

Don't make yourself nuts. If pull-up diapers at night or a blankie or long-term crawling works for your child - let it be... just go with it. Remember, Einstein had speech problems as a child and failed his University entrance exams.

And finally ...

There's nothing wrong with a glass of wine (for you!). In fact, this is no time to quit drinking.

Happy parenting!